."NEWS ITEM #3"
..TIME: NOV 26 , 2004
..PLACE: The freezer.

START
Aside from emails saying things like, "This is a joke, right?" or "Why haven’t you been arrested?" it seems some of you are curious about what I do. A question I get a lot is, "That’s sick! Who would buy human organs?"

All kinds of people, really. The most obvious are people in need of a new kidney, lung, or colon. You’d be amazed how many politicians need new livers. Long time customer Newt Gingrich is already on liver #3 and is gorging himself toward a new heart. Other customers include Satanist, sexual deviants, and collectors.

In fact, several of my clientele are organ collectors -- or anatomists, as they prefer to be called. It sounds strange, I know, but not any more than other forms of collectism. Just like anime fanatics and Trekies, anatomists have conventions, and clubs, and Internet communities…which, in turn, makes finding new prospects very easy for me.

Actually, I recently discovered an exclusive offshoot of the anatomist scene, called Sickies. These are people who collect and infect themselves with diseases. Recently a Sickie in Anaheim paid a large sum for me to supply him a strain of the Hanta Virus. Fun fact: Paris Hilton is a closet Sickie! She specializes in collecting venereal diseases.

Other customers of mine buy organs due to dietary habits. Dick Clark, for instance, supplements his meals with human giblets. Mr. Clark believes he’ll start aging if he doesn’t feast on the hearts and brains of infants. While a dear friend of mine, Sailor Rick, injects pure adrenaline extract for recreational purposes.
STOP


."NEWS ITEM #3"
..TIME: NOV 23 , 2004
..PLACE: In a state of confusion.

START
COMEDIAN'S LOST ALBUMS COMING SOON
By Arial Verdana, Syndicated Press Writer

Hollywood, CA- The long, arduous court battle between Phoneygram Entertainment and the Jonathan Winters Estate drew to a close Monday when a judge from California’s 6th Circuit handed down a ruling. For years, the Winters Estate has tried to prevent Phoneygram from releasing two "lost recordings" made by the late comedian. Monday’s decision has Jonathan Winters fans both thrilled and worried.

According to Jonathan Winters FanClub president, Deke Wilson, "It’s really divided us. Some want to hear the final works of this comic genius. Other fans aren’t so sure."

The albums in question, I Hate Children, and, Nuclear Winters, were recorded shortly before Winters passed away. The material is said to be a radical departure for a man who built his career playing lovable characters like “Mearth” on the sitcom Mork & Mindy.

"Jon got bitter late in life," says Mavis Cleotis, lawyer for the Winters Estate. "His mind started to go and his humor got dark…really, really dark. A lot of us believe Phoneygram took advantage of Jon’s weakened mental state."

Dick Rimjaub, the lawyer representing Phoneygram Entertainment, disagrees. "I don’t see what they’re whining about…those albums are friggin’ great! I laughed my ass off. Winters does this whole routine about needed to urinate on a Thai hooker just to get off…damn funny stuff. I played it for my kids."

Recently, a five-minute clip of Nuclear Winters found it’s way onto the internet. Contained in these five minutes are references to gay sex, hard drug use, bestiality, autoerotic asphyxiation, bukaki, and voting Republican. In the recording, Winters also claims to enjoy abusing animals, harassing police, and forcing women to call his penis "the mighty meat whip."

Phoneygram will release Nuclear Winters in December, just in time for Christmas. I Hate Children will be in store in early 2005.
STOP

."RAT TRAPS "
..TIME: NOV 18 , 2004
..PLACE: Cybertron.

START
Woke up this morning with a ringing in my skull...felt like I’d spent the night catching hockey pucks with my teeth. By the reek of the sheets, I could only assume I’d pissed myself no less than twice while sleeping...which wasn’t too bad, until I realized I was still wearing last night’s clothes. That and my pants were on backwards.

"Goddamn, aliens!” I heard myself say. “Bastards must’ve figured a way around the traps!"

This happens ever few months. I’ll wake-up with a screaming headache and my nosed clogged with a mysterious powder. I sat in bed and tried to recall the events of the night before. Nothing. Not even a lingering déjà vu that I’d been molested by machines. Big, nasty bio-mechanical machines --like the stuff Swedish freak-job HR Giger would paint. Goddamn aliens! They always blank my mind before returning me home.

Then I noticed the throbbing pain in my toes.

"Christ! What’d they do to my feet!?" I shouted, yanking the covers away to see what new disgusting scars my abductors left me with.

Rat Traps! The fuckers had snapped high-tension industrial rat traps on my feet!!! Then I realized these were the traps I’d set by the window! The traps I’d intended for them!!! These assholes were mocking me!

Time to take extreme measures.
Time to get my hands on some explosives.
STOP